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Holidays with the Family: Let the Games Begin!

Spending time with family during the holidays can cause distress when complicated or strained relationships are involved.

Being around family for the holidays can cause an array of emotions ranging from excitement and joy to anxiety and disappointment.  While many may look forward to a warm and fun family holiday, others may experience anxiety and overwhelm at the thought of dealing with complicated family dynamics. This article is no way meant to demean the importance of family but rather to acknowledge that some family interactions are complicated and can lead to unsettled feelings.  

Our popular culture has embraced and highlighted many complicated family relationships. Blockbuster movies depict holiday gatherings full of drama, high conflict, family secrets and a comical look at the cast of characters that make up our families. Movies such as Home for the Holidays, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, Home Alone etc., document just some of the funny, irritating, and sometimes ridiculous family dynamics that can ensue while celebrating the holidays.

Here are a few tips and recommendations for those feeling anxious about the upcoming family time:

PREPARE, PREPARE, and PREPARE:  If every holiday gathering follows the same script, keep your expectations realistic by preparing for the usual and thinking of ways to roll with the punches. Think ahead of time about potential “escape routes” or ways to graciously dismiss yourself from the conversation.  Create distractions from the situations that tend to cause anxiety. Once you begin feeling anxious, bring up a change in topic or redirect the focus to someone else by interjecting something like, “Hey Ted, I noticed you look thinner, have you started a new workout program?”  

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE: Often we grow irritated when our family fails to recognize our growth or evolution. What we don’t tend to recognize are the ways that we contribute to this dynamic. If we expect things to be different, then we need to be different. Show your family a different side of yourself.  Refuse to step into the assuming the role that you have typically taken on and, show others that you are defining your own role. 

ALIGN WITH ALLIES: Typically we have siblings, cousins, or a wise elder with whom we share similar feelings about family gatherings. Make a point to check in with them throughout the night and come up with little ways to blow off steam together. Go for an after dinner walk or find a quiet place to vent your frustrations and swap stories. Camaraderie goes a long way to shore us up and reminds us that we are not alone.

BE MINDFUL OF EATING AND DRINKING: When overwhelmed, stressed or anxious we tend to turn towards food or alcohol to help us cope. By recognizing triggers to our stress, we better position ourselves to avoid feeling guilty about our level of consumption. Over eating and drinking is a common way to cope at family gatherings and can often lead to unfortunate consequences. Think ahead of time about easy to employ coping strategies such as getting outside for a fresh breath of air or making a quick phone call to a friend who can appreciate your situation. 

PUT A TIME LIMIT ON YOUR STAY: If possible, plan for staying at the gathering for a limited amount of time. Inform your host that you will have to leave right after dinner, or you can only come for dessert because of another conflict. Sometimes you will receive grief from certain family members for this, but you get to decide what is worse, a little grief or a lot of resentment?  In today’s day and age we have multiple families and close family friends, by scheduling short visits at each, we afford ourselves the leverage we need to exit when needed.

LAUGH IT OFF: Sometimes we can take ourselves and our families too seriously.  Try to cultivate your sense of humor by recognizing the unique traits and qualities of your clan. If we can find ways to turn uncomfortable dynamics into humorous stories, we allow ourselves the opportunity to create funny memories for years to come. “Remember how Uncle Tom used to always wear biking shorts to dinner and then talk incessantly about his cool sense of style?” Being able to laugh with others about our stories is priceless.

CREATE YOUR CHOSEN FAMILY AND MAKE TIME TO CELEBRATE WITH THEM: We cannot pick the family we are born into, but we can create the family we choose to celebrate with.  Make sure you spend time with those you value highly and feel particularly connected to. I recently went to a “Friendsgiving Party” and it was such a nice way to enjoy friends, celebrate our friendship and gear up for the upcoming family festivities.  Friends and chosen family can create a place of support and allow us to be seen and understood outside of the confines of our family roles.

OBSERVE AND HONOR WHAT YOU ARE GRATEFUL FOR: It may sound cliché, but it rings true.  By focusing on what you are grateful for, you minimize the opportunity for negative feelings.  Yes, family can be inconvenient at times, can cause us to feel irritated or angry, but without them we would not be the people we are today.  The imprints left behind by our familial experiences and influences, have helped shape us into the highly evolved people that we have become.  Whether it is because we choose to fall in line what we were taught or because we choose to challenge the family norm, they have motivated us in a big way to be better people.

Happy Holidays!

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

Rich Buckley November 20, 2012 at 09:15 PM
I always experience melancholy (like right now) the week of Thanksgiving and Christmas. “But it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in the most humorous sadness.” ― William Shakespeare, As You Like It The great spiritual narrative running throughout this global community and never gets mentioned in respectable society, approaches the divine-sublime in the story line repeated here by Terence McKenna http://youtu.be/oDm-dEbLOLs His story fills me with a hope that maybe, just maybe, we humans will make it. Pass the Love.. rich buckley http://youtu.be/r_YOG3jMlV4
Shauni Bechdol November 21, 2012 at 09:01 AM
Thank you Kelly! These are great suggestions that I plan on putting into practice. I usually have a plan for everything else in my life, but fail miserably during holidays. No wonder why I sometimes feel caught off guard and struggle to avoid situations I would rather not be involved in!
Rich Buckley November 23, 2012 at 03:03 PM
I've lost several friends from depression. It is a very helpless feeling to know your friend is suffering from depression. Almost everything you might say or do is either wrong or aggravating. I could be wrong in this next comment too. If you are present and know your friend's condition.... be quiet and just be. Don't act, don't talk, don't offer body language, tears, smiles, sympathy; just be. If they want to talk, just listen. If they verbally abuse you, be strong and just take it. If you know you can't do those things, it's probably better to not be present. I have no training in these matters and it probably shows. But that's been my experience. Consider the impact on yourself first. If they should take their life after you where present it can well destroy you too. You've got to know yourself and your limitations because it's going to get very personal, it's going to be extremely powerful and there is always plenty of self blame to go around however it ends. Think good thoughts, pass the love.
Janice P Ellis November 23, 2012 at 05:55 PM
For years, I totally bought into the Norman Rockwell kind of Christmas season, where there was never any family drama, just loving smiles and kindness for all. Problem is, I didn't grow up in that kind of family; far, far from it. They were envious when a family member did well and rejoiced when a family member had a life setback. One family member, who I've come to call my Evil Aunt, took great pleasure (secret, of course) in setting members of the family at odds with each other; then she'd just sit back and innocently enjoy the show. She and my late mother had the most intense love-hate relationship I've ever seen two people have. It was truly heartbreaking to see what this did to my mom, but, I was powerless to change it, because these family dynamics had been rooted firmly in place many, many years before I was born. The biggest problem was, if one family member was upset with another, he or she would talk to other family members about it, but, never the person they were upset with, which caused further hurts and resentments that continued to fester and grow more toxic with time. When my sweet mom passed away almost 4 years ago, and the toxic comments about her continued even after her death, that was it for me; with the exception of my sister, I made the decision to estrange myself from the "robots covered in skin" that I had grown up with and replace them with loving friends instead. It was a painful decision, but, the best one I ever could have made.
Kelly M. Sharp November 28, 2012 at 09:47 PM
Janice- thank you for your thoughtful response and for sharing some of your story.
Kelly M. Sharp November 28, 2012 at 09:47 PM
Rich- I appreciate your comments and willingness to share.
Kelly M. Sharp November 28, 2012 at 09:48 PM
Thanks Shauni!
Janice P Ellis November 29, 2012 at 02:33 AM
You're welcome, Kelly. Not a day goes by that I wish I had been born to a more emotionally healthy and loving family unit, but, particularly when it comes to family, you get what you get.

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